Published July 28, 2006
Romancing sand-dancer,
I’m on the pirate shore, hand in hand
fate and infatuation.
Your love burns in the residue of rainwater,
of the isle storms and looming letters.
They all spell out why I’m here, but I,
I want to know my destination.
Inertia plunging us both overboard and
dragging behind in a stream of fairy dust,
while I desperately lick the lips
of every man plank walking and bottom bound.
Now golden in sunset, don’t tip me over
as I can tip this thieving sea
into your open, scar-streaked arms.
[…where only I belong]
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
xanthan,
A few in-line comments for you to use or lose. Most of this is working pretty well.
Romancing sand-dancer,
I’m on the pirate shore, hand in hand
with destiny and infatuation.
The addressee here is unclear. Are you speaking to the reader, or to the "Romancing sand-dancer"? I am wondering if the "with" is really necessary.
It burns in the residue of rainwater,
of the isle storms and looming letters.
"It" is an unclear reference.
They all spell out why I’m here, but I,
I want to know where I’m going.
Is "all" really needed? Also "I want to know where I'm going" can be revised to be more succinct.
This course is plunging, free on inertia and I’m
dragging behind in a stream of fairy dust,
desperately licking lips of every man
who has fallen off the plank –
"Course" is not a very good indicator of what you are discussing yet, so try to make these references a little clearer for your readers. Further, "plunging"? Plunging what/who where? Unclear. Also, you can not ride "inertia," so your preposition "on" needs to be changed to "of," perhaps? Consider removing "I'm" in L1.
Golden in sunsets, don’t tip me over
and I can tip this sea
into your open, scar-streaked arms.
You seem to be missing a lot of subjects here, particularly in L1. What is "Golden in sunsets"? (Except, well, everything?). I don't know, exactly, what "sea" you are speaking about. Now, you needn't give it a name, but it's an amorphous entity throughout the piece that needs to be pinned down a little further. As well as that, I would also reconsider "into" with "towards." Finally, "scar-streaked" is not working for me.
[…where only I belong]
There should have been a much, much better build-up to this ending, so that we, the readers, think "Aha! I could have seen this the whole time!"
All in all, not too bad. There are some moments worth salvaging. You must work on focusing on other things while revealing much about your narrator.
All the best,
Brad
Hey gummy! Great, great poem. I loved the images in it. It created a beautiful picture of daring and love an such. The only problem I had was with these two lines:
I think you should put "I'm" on the second line-it was just flow more nicely. When I got to those two lines it was kind of a "jolt" from the lyrical flow of the rest of the poem.
Awesome, awesome job!
Very sweet and dreamy. Reminded me of pirates and swashbuclking and falling in love with the wrong sort, for some reason. Bravo, all around!
Nothing but compliments. Awesome. Great imagery, I must agree. Very interesting. I enjoyed this.
Loved the imagery! No word was useless: every word propeled the poem forward. Great job!
I don't really see any typos in this and the imagery was really good.
Great poem!